god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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