a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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