She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
