My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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