Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
