he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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