totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
