I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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