i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
