in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
