Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
How's work?
Spinning.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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