life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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