I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
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