I wish I could teleport
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
