I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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