some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
