I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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