hotel room ftw
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
it's like heaven, but drunker
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
