Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
