If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
