Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
