It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
