that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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