If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
