Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
