So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
