how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You need Xanax blowdarts
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
