Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
