I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
