I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
this is an emotional support booty call
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
