you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
