They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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