So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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