I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
