Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
