meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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