You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
