I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
