a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
