maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
