Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
