we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
