It's like God shit irony all over that family
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
