just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
