You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we're making bets on your personal life
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
