It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
