Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
