saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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