My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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