All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
