You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
