paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
